Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Hey Good Lookin'

There are times in a girl's life when she needs to do a deep dive into the dating abyss. That being said, a few notes before i continue: 1. i have a boyfriend. 2. we met - yikes - off a dating site. 3. we're still on said dating site as a means to stay in contact with friends. It has a chat function which at it's best is hysterically entertaining - and at it's worst is a microscopic look into the truly destructive, narcissistic, delusional, unbalanced and unflinchingly pathetic lives of the lonely. Mind you, there are some great, grounded, sharp-witted, emotionally mature and strikingly 'normal' people on this site - and then there are the men who contact me. My deep dive is digging through my Jdate 'inbox' to glean the hidden gems that i've tucked away for a cold wintery day - hidden gems that hopefully will entertain you as much as they do me.

These are all verbatim emails/messages that i've received - no changes to the content whatsoever other than removing their names - the rest of the glorious mess is all their own.

Suitor 1

Hello, I am X. I am into creating with my hands in art. Do you like dogs? Do like artist? Do you like to walk along the the beach at sunset and in hand? Have you ever bin into showing dogs? Do you like to work with clay? Are you an artistic person as wel as me? Have you ever bin to Jappan? Doyou like to coook or bake? What kinde of music do you like? Have you ever tryed Karoaky? Doyou like to sing? Do you play any musical instriments

Suitor 2

hey, i just wanted to drop a line, my name is X and i live in north carolina, my friend lives in san francisco. he is chinese, of course. i hope you are good.

Suitor 3

hello mam are u there rteally wanna chat with u you very cute hello please i wanna meet with you beatiful angel cant wait to hear from u hello dear are u there please chat with me hello dear please cum onlie chat with me

Suitor 4

hi angel

I saw your profile and it's very nice,attractive and wonderful..your beauty added by the picture makes it more loving.what really made me come on was my friend that met and marry his wife on really gave me strenght to carry on that i will find my better half.what i need is a loving,caring,affectionate,tr uthful,respectful woman.who will not take me for granted no matter what circumstances comes our way..who is ready to love me for me .i'm very lonely.tell me what you really want on here,and tell me the attribute of your dream man.lot of flowers..

Regards, your secret admirer

Suitor 5

helo how are u doin,can we chat via yahoo.i love ur profile can u pls add me to ur yahoo msg. i want a perfect nice god fearing and reservelady who will love and always be there for me.and also want a qute mart girl.. i was in love with a girl who live in uk but later we decided to quit when i get to know that she was playing on my intetligent. i was broke up cos i was not ready for love then and i fell in love wit ba wrong girl who was cheating and playing my inteligent. I want a monday who is alreday inlove before and who can take care of a man very well. Hoping to chat with u soon.

Suitor 6

Yu speke frenchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh oh lala. hi

Suitor 7

hey, are you just fall from the sky? :) - just to let you know this is 'Earth' not Venus. however, you are highly 'Welcome' here -- regards X

Aren't i lucky! Can you feel the swoon?


Anthony the Loser said...

Any advice?

Kaia said...

Anthony -

Advice? Sure.

Spell check is a good start.

A basic grasp of the english language (mind you, none of the guys in this post who emailed me were foreigners - they were all born/raised in the US).

Don't shorten the word 'come' to 'cum' - it denotes creepiness and a sense of intimacy that an introductory email shouldn't have.

Don't call me angel - i can't stress that enough.

Other than that - just keep it light and breezy - be happy - confident - and good things will happen :)

On a side note - i read part of your blog and it's fantastic. I'll be back to read more! Keep writing - it's something that you're quite good at!

Boogie said...

Hey Angel ;)

Makes me releeved I ewes speel chek evry now an agin.

And also that we met in the room and not through one of these portals to curious, creative grammar/spelling/punctuation/logic :)

"He is Chinese, of course." LOL...

Heidi said...

You really are a beatiful angel!!! And I am not chinese of course... lol

Roberta said...

OMG. I cannot BELIEVE that you think this:

and at it's worst is a microscopic look into the truly destructive, narcissistic, delusional, unbalanced and unflinchingly pathetic lives of the lonely

describes CHAT! ;)

Wow at this:

I want a monday who is alreday inlove before and who can take care of a man very well.

Just wow.

Kaia said...

Boogs - hahaha - you get to call me that one time. ONE time.

Heidi - no - you're a beatiful angel :)

Roberta - yeah - sadly it would never work between he and I - I'm a total Wednesday - my sister is more of a Monday - too bad she's married ;)

Vendelascity said...

I've just stumbled on your site and I can *totally relate* to these atrocious Jdate emails and poorly-written profiles... not to mention the (gah!!) IM sex!

Kent_w said...

A friend told me "If you take a quick search on, you will find many people like movie stars". I'm not ready for online dating yet. But I think you qualify this site.

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