Chrismakah

Christmas came and went with a mere wimper this year. My mom was sick with a cold - so while i went over to spend the day at my parents, it was really mellow. My dad and i went to to see Syriana - which turned out to be an absolutely phenomenal movie - incredibly complex - but captivating. I think i need to see it again actually - hopefully rich and i will see it while i'm in NY. After the movie - we came home and headed to an early dinner at a chinese restaurant in sausalito. That was pretty much it. It was nice to spend the day with them - but it was definitely the quietest christmas we've had in years. Chanukah started on the 25th as well - so i lit the first candle when i got home. Ahh - the joys of growing up in a mixed religion family.

I'm heading to ny on thursday morning - spending new year's with rich and friends. I'll be staying until the 10th i think - need to check my ticket. Of course i had to do a little shopping to prepare for the cold - new jacket - and i'm thinking of getting this for the trip - but in black - or maybe this - i haven't decided yet. I think i like the second one better. But the first is more classic. And if you're a fan of PETA - spare me the lecture - thanks.

I've got a deal closing today - so i need to get back to work - and then head to marin to take back the present i bought for my youngest nephew - my sister and i bought the exact same outfit for him - so i'm taking mine back. They're in hawaii right now - on the big island - until the first - they go every year with her husband's family. When i talked to her yesterday - she put the little one on the phone and he can now say beach - and surf - but not my name. He is still calling me kaka. Or he'll call me kiki - which is my mom. It's okay - he'll get kaia soon enough...

So looking forward to NY - and spending some very very needed time with rich. :)

On that note - it's back to work - K

Dream on

Have you ever wanted to drop out - put aside all your obligations - all your responsibility and just do nothing. Every now and then the idea strikes me - i remember years ago - one of my dearest friends "C" and i worked at the same company (we met in college - and she brought me aboard when she needed to grow her team) - and on especially stressful days we would go to lunch and day dream about moving to venice beach and working at a yogurt hut - sharing a 1 bedroom apt - and just making enough to 'get by'. Our only concerns would be what topping the customers wanted on their chocolate fudge swirl. Then reality would snap us rudely back into the present and we would finish our salads and head back to the 18th floor. C is now married - trying for a baby - her husband is partner in a large well known law firm - she's an interior designer with a penchant for louis vuitton and gorgeous jewelry. So much for the yogurt shop...

I keep wondering how much is enough. I do well - i'm very lucky. But i want more. And more. And i wonder if that will cease. When will enough - be 'enough'. When will i be satisfied that i'm where i need to be - when i have 50,000 in the bank? 250,000? 500,000? A million? I think that when i get to 1 million, i'm going to want 2 and then 3. I'm not sure if it's drive and ambition - a need to push myself farther and succeed beyond my expectations of myself - or if it's something more - something vain and empty - something lacking.

I look at people who have so little - yet seem so okay with where they are and where they're never going to be. I wonder what their secret is. I wonder where they find their happiness - how they find their happiness. For all i know - they're the only people in their family to have finished high school - or reached a manager position at a restaurant - and to them - they have succeeded beyond their expectations - they are the family watermark. I suppose every family has their own.

If i had millions of dollars - (let's just face it - you need millions as 1 million just doesn't cut it anymore - that would go so quickly - house - car - new wardrobe - fabulous party - hey - where's my money!) - enough where i could do what i wanted - i would quit my job and start a foundation - or open a boutique. I think the boutique would be much more fun - not as karmically good - but more fun. I would sell home accessories - gorgeous and decadent - and frivolous. I'd invest. Buy art - lautrec, picasso, cheret, warhol, kandinsky, miro and calder. Start a trust for both of my nephews. Hire a trainer. Throw the sickest parties. I'd buy a loft in SoHo and have a home in Pacific Heights. I'd live.

K

Handcuffed

I want to be honest and i can't. It's so tempting - so frustrating - so in my grasp. There are too many things i want to say - to tell the truth - to shout outloud - to let certain people know how i really feel. I can't. Consequences are far too great. For this to happen - people will be hurt - and the momentary rush i'll get from being brutally honest probably won't feel good an hour after that. So i'm biting my tongue - sitting on my hands - trying desperately not to let it all out. I'm not sure how much longer i can do this - keep it in and securely tied down - locked away and neatly boxed. Can't i just let one little vent out?? Can't i be a little naughty?

I'm just so sick of all the pandering bullshit that i see - the ass kissing - the total and utter lack of talent. It kills me. Killllllllls me. And i can't say a word.

Fuck.

K

Moving forward

I'm out of my funk. Feeling better, still not 100% - but a lot better. Work is still crazy - it's not only the end of quarter but it's end of year. SO all the SE's are trying to get all their deals in. There's just a lot of stuff going on. Nothing new - just felt overwhelmed last week.

I was supposed to be going to NY this thursday - to see rich and go to my cousin's wedding. It was getting too complicated and with NYE coming up - i didn't want to make that trip twice in 1 month. Not sure what we're doing for NYE - plans so far are dinner with friends - and cocktails. It'll be fun. Looking forward to it - i've never spent NYE in NY - and i hear it's an incredible city to ring in the new year. I have no interest in heading out to some club - amongst the throngs of people - fighting my way to the bar for drinks - screaming over the music - etc - that is so unappetizing to me. Hopefully we'll go someplace fun - for dinner and drinks - and then stay. Honestly, i'm not a huge fan of NYE. It seems that so many people are trying to hard to have fun - that it ends up being a fairly lame night. I'd much rather stay home - have a fabulous bottle of champagne and ring in the new year with rich - than among the masses. But we're definitely doing dinner which is great - because the people we're having dinner with are great - and fun - so it should make for a good night.

The best NYE so far - had to be when 1999 turned to 2000. I was out with one of my dearest girlfriends - M - and we went to a black tie private party at Balboa in SF. The drinks flowed - everyone looked amazing - we had an incredible night. The DJ put on Prince's 'party like it's 1999' when the countdown to 2000 started and everyone went crazy - dancing on tables - screaming - it was hysterical. M and i were jumping up and down hugging eachother - spilling champagne everywhere - laughing and kissing boys. It really was such a fun night - definitely my favorite NYE so far. Until maybe this year...

Meow - K

Get the pom-poms out

I am so underwater with work right now. I'm losing my mind. Literally.

Oh, and i'm sick. And PMSing.

Yay me.

K