Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Martha Martha Martha

When Martha Stewart verbally body slams the first contestant out of the running of her version of "The Apprentice," she'll substitute 'The Donald's' (ew) trademark "You're fired!" with the less catchy, "You just don't fit in". Huh? You just dont fit in? That's hardly a body slam - that's more like a finger flick to the forehead. Annoying, but inconsequential.

Given that Martha is a perfectionist - i can't actually believe that this is the trademark phrase she'll be hissing at her contestants on a weekly basis. I've taken it upon myself to give Martha a few options, something to think about while she's jerry-rigging her ankle monitoring system to the hind leg of her sleeping chow.

I'm sorry Kaitlen, but:

Your souffle fell flat

Your dogwood won't be blooming this Spring

Your potpourri simply isn't fragrant enough

The stitching on your tea kettle cozy isn't straight

Your jelly jar candles will not be lit

Your french ribbon wreath won't be hung this christmas

Rather than sound like the social chair at sorority rush - sorry heather, you just don't fit in - she can channel jeff probst and with a large bedazzled spatula in her hand she can announce "The WASPs have spoken - please return your monogrammed oven mitt and leave the Hamptons immediately".

Has a nice ring to it - don't you think...

8 comments:

LisaBinDaCity said...

How about "You've got issues, please leave."

Oops, That would be the pot calling the kettle black ;-)

Leave It To Cleavage said...

How about, "Your Holiday pine cone is a little glitter short of acceptable>"

I don't know. I just don't like Martha Stewart. I still think she's a man.

Earl said...

How about:
We don't think that keeping you on our show will help our ratings any more, and we've determined that we have enough good footage to edit. So we're kicking you out today to bolster our sucky ratings.
B'bye.

Belle said...

How 'bout we just tell Martha to shove her grograin ribbons up her snobby fat ass and be done with her show altogether?!

Krisco said...

Your emails won't be re-written.

Oh wait, that was another issue she had...

Krisco said...

Or -

Your emails will be rewritten.

Oh wait, she already did that.

Krisco said...

Wait! Why are there two of these!

Sorry, having troubles with my internet server. Things showing up, not showing up, pages reloading like snails. Sorry.

Krisco said...

Kaia,
Ok, now I've read all about yourself on your blog, and things your charming man in NY had to say on his blog...and I'm hooked. Update please! As a stay at home mom in a little science town, it's fun to read about - single but happily dating, successful woman in big city - life! Enjoyed it.
Kris